A Servant of the Most High God

"The LORD foils the plans of the nations;
He thwarts the purposes of his peoples.
But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever."

Psalm 33:10-11

I came across this verse just a few hours ago, when I was really struggling to remain positive. A few people from the church spent the previous four days here, trying to iron out a work schedule for me and attempting to figure out what we should do next. Some possibilities discussed were sending me a local university to take classes and meet students, volunteering at a nearby daycare, starting some community outreach projects, teaming up with some other organization that's already in the area, and even bring me home.

I'm sure their trip wasn't everything they expected...in fact, it wasn't what I expected either. We had a car and driver at our disposal, and yet, we STILL struggled to do something productive! Emotions and stress were running high for everyone. We tried many times and ways to get a hold of Jackie but weren't having much luck until last night, when thanks to Beth, we were able to meet with Jackie and sort out some of the miscommunication problems she and I have been having.

The new plan is that on most days, Hernando will pick me up by 8:15 in the morning and drop me back off in the early afternoon. While at Jackie's, I will teach English to the kids and some days, I will go with them to the communities to deliver food, medicine, and other supplies. On the days that Hernando can't come get me, I may be able to take a taxi (although that could get expensive) or I may be able to volunteer at the daycare mentioned earlier.

It sounds like a great plan, and I left Jackie's with hope that things will start to improve. However, this morning, after taking Jess and Leigh to the airport, I came home with a huge sense of emptiness. The house seemed extra quiet, and everywhere I looked, there were reminders of where they had been...and where I was forced to stay. I felt utterly alone.

After a little while of self-loathing and some tears, I realized something...

This whole time I've been praying for strength, provisions, favor, courage, work, comfort, and peace. And while all these things are very important and definitely needed, I wasn't asking for them because they would further God's kingdom or impact the Dominican people, I was praying them for me. I wanted to feel better and productive.

Although the Bible promises that what we ask for in Jesus's name will be given to us, I have failed in a major way. For the past six weeks, I have been selfish, even if I didn't acknowledge or realize it. I'm ashamed to admit this, but sometimes I feel like God owes me something for coming here. I know it's completely absurd and ridiculous, but it's easy for my sinful nature to take over and say, "Look at everything you've left behind: your family, your friends, your boyfriend...there's so much else you could be doing! And yet you're here and not doing a blasted thing! This isn't what you signed up for! You deserve better!"

And yet, this is EXACTLY what I signed up for!! I have prayed for YEARS to be a missionary and God has heard my cries! He delivered the exact thing I desired for so long. And on top of that, when I became a Christian four years ago, I gave God permission (not that He needed it) to rule my life. I said where you go, I will go - whatever you ask, I will do. And He has asked me to come here. So everything that the Dominican Republic includes is part of the deal. Good or bad. Happy or sad. It's all part of the same package.

But God is sovern. He is the creator of the EVERYTHING and yet, he has shed mercy on me. If he had been any other king I would have undoubtedly been killed or jailed long ago for my disobedience and greed. And yet the BIGGEST and most POWERFUL King of ALL has said that he will overlook all my mistakes and still accept me as his servant. So often I forget that small fact. I'm HIS servant. Not the other way around.

And so, after realizing how selfish and spoiled I've been , I've asked for forgiveness and have made a promise that I will stop trying to implement MY plans and what I think is best, but instead, I will truly submit to the will of Christ. What ever that might be.

I ask that you join me in prayer. Pray that I will be obedient, submissive, sensitive to His spirit, and courageous in taking the steps that great faith requires.

May the God of the Universe and the King of all Kings be glorified in the way that His heart desires.